A Miscarriage isn't My Secret
I hope you all had a lovely Father's Day Weekend. It can be incredibly painful for those that recently lost great men in their lives, the biggest hug I can send goes out to the Bouctsis clan. It can also be incredibly painful for those who never had a father figure of incredible value in their lives. Big hugs go out to those who drew the short stick in the daddy lottery.
I spent my father's day weekend being supported by an incredible husband while we miscarried. And I do mean we, I may have had to deal with the physical burden but the loss was equal. Now before the sobs come in I need to give some context. I work in an incredibly supportive environment, have a comfortable home, a strong relationship with my husband, great friends and family and my Belle. My Belle was a perfect pregnancy. We conceived her really easily, I gained 22lbs, I had a 2.5 hour labour and delivery, the girl breast fed like a fiend, eats anything I make, and slept through the night at 12 weeks. Her toddler sleeping habits are not so awesome, so I got bit back later my friends. The loss of this pregnancy has not left me feeling as though I am shell of a human being. Life is still incredibly full and an adventure awaits almost every day. I am really ok. I was sad when I heard the lovely phrase "the pregnancy is nonviable." I swear, 'nonviable' has now left my vocabulary. It is a horrible dehumanizing word and I apologize to anyone I have ever said this to before.
I had three weeks to come to terms with the fact that this pregnancy was going be unfulfilled. The first time I didn't get to see a heartbeat on an ultrasound I was patient but when the little bean was missing the following week, I knew this wasn't going to be good. The third scan was just a matter of confirming what was already known. I wasn't going to have a new bundle on January 8, 2014 like I had thought. I will never be able to listen to an Elvis song without thinking I should have had a family member share that birthday. But again, I am ok. I am better than ok. I want to tell the world to be sad but don't keep it a secret. Being open about everything has made this so much easier. The patience and kindness that my workplace showed me while I was leaving for medical appointments, that my back was throbbing and I needed to step away from my desk, when I wasn't my gregarious self no one pushed. Their support was incredibly helpful. Colleagues shared personal stories of loss and comforted me when I grew anxious of how unknown the process felt. Having to not hide and be completely open has made this hurt less. Will I still wonder this winter about who should be at my dinner table? Probably. Will I feel comfortable talking about how I am feeling? Absolutely.
I didn't miscarry on my own. I went the medicated route. I spent an hour with a lovely nurse at Mount Sinai. She walked me through my options and when I found out I didn't have to have a D and C I was thrilled. I hated the idea of surgery, so a couple of pills to induce the process was perfect. I was also prescribed 20 Tylenol #3. I have to say, I was more terrified at the idea of being in pain than I was of anything else. I had one person tell me they were on morphine during their miscarriage, I had another person tell me they were on pain medication for three months. I know each body is different and my miscarriage was very early, but seriously I didn't need anything. No pain at all, just a lot of pressure. My back isn't in great shape. I fear that will linger and I am in physio to take care of that.
The worst part of the process for me was how long it took to get my body back. I felt like I was in limbo. Three weeks of being pregnant but not really being pregnant is a long time. The first friend that I told that I was in the midst of a miscarriage poured me the largest glass of wine that I have ever seen. I felt completely at odds drinking it. I just wanted to know everything was gone and that my body was all mine again before the contraband was allowed back in. I miscarried on Friday morning, for lunch hubby took me out for sushi. It was the best moment and the worst moment at the same time. I felt cleansed and new and also said goodbye. I got to say goodbye alone with my incredibly supportive guy while my Belle had a wonderful day at daycare. She knew mummy was sore and needed to rest but she also did nothing but smother me in affection when she knew I could pick her up again.
So friends, I really am ok. I am better than ok. I have you all and I can share what you are able to hear and listen if you just need someone else who understands. This experience is common. Incredibly common. There is no need for secrets.
All my love, and thank you for your support.